When I was 33 my psychiatrist told me I was being irresponsible for not being on the Pill.  Two days later I found out I was pregnant, and eight months later Luca arrived in the world.

That irresponsible comment tinged my pregnancy and postpartum. Of course, I didn’t know that then…it made sure it burrowed itself deep and hid.

As a firstborn A Type personality, doing the right thing and being seen as responsible was core to who I knew myself to be.

If I was irresponsible for not being on the Pill, then obviously I was irresponsible for becoming pregnant and of course, I was going to be an irresponsible mum.

None of which I could let anyone know about. What would they think?

The mental health issues that led me to see that psychiatrist worsened during my pregnancy. I wanted to fade away and the only thing that seemed to keep me visible was Luca growing inside me.

I felt very much alone.  I wasn’t working, so I would spend every day alone at home in our one-bedroom apartment, while everyone I knew was at work. My husband left at 8am and got home at 6pm.

When I was four months pregnant, I became a patient at a mental health facility.  I can’t remember much of the five weeks I was there, I just have flashes of recollections - dingy bedroom, picking at the food, inability to concentrate on anything.  More feelings of alone.

And then I returned home and back to aloneness, but at least I could make my own food.

Then beautiful Luca arrived.  And this irresponsible mum became fearful of becoming a bad mum and that’s when the anxiety really took hold and I froze.

I couldn’t breastfeed.  I couldn’t put the pram together to go out. I couldn’t drive with Luca in the car - I was stuck. That was ten years ago, and I’ve come so far since then.

After persisting, I found a psychologist and psychiatrist who were a great fit for me. It took a few tries, but having the right support over the years has been invaluable.

I worked with a yoga therapist to learn how to best support my poor little nervous system through breathing and meditation.

In Luca’s first year, I stepped out of my anxiety bubble and made two fabulous friends through my mother's group that helped melt my freeze response with our twice-weekly playdates.

I undertook further studies and learnt about matrescence, so that I could support other women undergoing the absolutely life changing physical, emotional, hormonal and social transition to becoming a mother.

I’ve learnt to give myself grace in the face of trying to be the perfect mum.

To mark the ten-year anniversary of my stay in a mental health facility - I decided to celebrate me. 

We’ve gone to new beaches, eaten lots of fabulous food and had a mini break. I even accompanied Luca on his first roller coaster ride, pushing past my fear of heights.  And Luca and I have enjoyed lots of snuggles!

That one comment from my psychiatrist in 2015 could have derailed my entire experience of motherhood. For a time, it did. But I’m so glad I persevered —our life is beautiful, and I’m incredibly grateful for it.