I have always been very aspirational, always seeking growth opportunities throughout my career.  I naively thought I would have a baby, and simply return to my normal work role and life. How wrong I was.

I had my dream job at a leading bank, a role I thrived in until I reached the career crossroad that is called; motherhood. 

In 2016 I had my daughter, and when she was five months old, I fell pregnant with my son. I went back to work when I was 20 weeks pregnant, and cried most days as I was separated from my baby.  After eight weeks of this, I attempted to resign and my manager sent me back on maternity leave round two. At only 28 weeks pregnant, 8 weeks after RETURNING from maternity leave, I was back on maternity leave.  

I felt so valued and appreciated by my employer through this time. They had a female member of the Bank’s leadership team call me specifically to talk to me about her own challenges of being a working mother. She talked to me about the importance of trying to maintain something of your career through this time, in any capacity, if you can. They see so many women throw their careers away after having children and they were trying to do anything they could do, to reduce this trend and support new mothers through those years.

From the moment I gave birth to my second child, my anxiety was debilitating. Small tasks completely overwhelmed me. Every activity required intense mental preparation, or I could not get myself moving. When my son was three months old, a close friend lost her battle with cancer and I further crashed into a deep, dark, state of depression.

In hindsight I can see I had a feeling of being 100% vulnerable and dependent, a position I had always protected myself from being in, by climbing the corporate ladder. My self-worth was low, and I realised how much I had attached my worth to being successful in my career. I lost my appetite, this went on for years, my soul had left my body. I spent every day at the gym as it was the only place I could easily bring myself to separate from my kids for a couple of hours. My weight plummeted. I looked and felt incredibly unwell.

I sought help through my GP, and I started seeing a psychologist, who diagnosed me with Generalised Anxiety Disorder. The therapy was okay, but it was not enough so I agreed to try medication. The first medication worsened my symptoms, and it was at this point that I was unsure how I was going to go on living like this.  I was high functioning even through my darkest days, but the inner turmoil was truly excruciating. It felt like a nightmare that I was going to have to live with for the rest of my life.

If it was not for my kids, I am not sure I would have survived that period. Each day I read the real stories on Gidget Foundation Australia’s website, as it was the only thing that gave me any hope that one day I might recover.  I tried a new medication, and after a few weeks I felt a a glimmer of improvement here and there.

Meanwhile everything I thought I knew about my future career was out the window. I desperately needed to go back to work for my mental health, but I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving my babies. I had a deep longing to further my career in a way that would come secondary to my time with my kids. I knew I had to forge a new path, and I asked my friend if she would like to start a business with me.  She said yes… and this is where my recovery really began. I could work with my kids around, and I started filling my cup with something that made me feel fulfilled.

By the time my son was three, I felt as though I had almost fully recovered and at this point we decided to have a third baby. I was terrified that I was going to be thrown back into the clutches of perinatal depression and anxiety.

I went off medication a month prior to falling pregnant and I coped…. I had my third baby…. and I coped. I waited for it to hit…. and it never did. I worked through the first four months with her by my side, and then my husband took parental leave and spent three months with her so I could continue building my business. I had a much healthier mindset about separating from bub the third time around as I could apply my skills learned in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. She was with her Dad, she was safe and loved.

My kids are now seven, six and three, my business is a success and I haven’t needed to go back on medication.

I am telling my story because the real stories on Gidget Foundation Australia’s website are what saved me, and gave me hope, when I had all but given up. Perinatal depression and anxiety almost killed me, but I am grateful. It also strengthened me to be the most resilient person I have ever been. I learned how to love myself for being me…. My career and material things no longer define my worth. I figured out how to control my thoughts and my mindset. My door is always open for any mother going through this. There is hope…. One day you will look back and help someone else, by sharing your own story of recovery, just like me.

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