I will not let PND define who I am. My self worth is much more than that.
Almost three years ago I was institutionalized due to severe PND. I tormented myself with the most intrusive thoughts, and actually believed I was not a good enough mother. Let alone a good enough human being. I gave up and literally fell down the rabbit hole.
Anger. Doubt. Frustration. Rage. Bleakness. Despair. These feelings infected my mind, my heart and soul. Inside I was like a wild animal on a rampage wanting to be free from this vexation that PND inflicted at my most vulnerable time.
Being a mother is not easy. The days are long. The nights are longer. Nothing prepares you for motherhood. No baby book. No advice. No classes. You can have the most perfect baby. The support. The finances. Yet, PND still invades a mother, and her loved ones.
Whilst I was institutionalized, I had the best support. The health care professionals are there, if you need to talk or simply just cry. They are there to assist with the journey. To get you back on track. To let every feeling come out that I have been bottling up since the day I found out I fell pregnant.
But, it was me that embarked the journey to PND recovery.
The journey is not easy, although it is every bit worth it.
I confronted PND. I confronted my fears. I confronted my doubts. I wrapped PND with my veins and made it suffocate. I made PND not take anything more from me. Enough was enough.
The journey to recovery has been turbulent. To take hold of my inner self again – to find confidence, to wrap kindness around me again, and re-connecting with my soul has been difficult.
Re-connecting with my soul has been the focal point. Self love is the hardest thing to do, especially when going through a mentally and physically debilitating time. To look in the mirror, and look at my face, my eyes, my body and say “I am worth it” sweeps so much hope, happiness and ability to be a functioning mother and human being again.
The journey is not a running race. Take baby steps. Re-connect with the soul. Even if it means going for a walk, taking up a hobby, talking to a loved one – do what will warm, and fulfill the soul. You may re-connect with parts of your old self again. Or you may connect with your new PND-free self. The essence of PND in my experience is I completely disconnected myself as a mother, as a wife, as a human being. I was existing as an empty vessel with no purpose and only functioning by the charges of anxieties running in my nervous system and veins. Now that has disintegrated and my veins and nerves are filled with love and abundance.
Almost three years on, and I am not completely PND-free. The journey can take years. And perhaps parts of my experience with PND will carry on with me. It is hard to forget about the past. I often look back at the millions of pictures taken of my son. I am so happy I captured precious moments. The hardest part to accept about that is that PND robbed me of enjoying the early years. Nevertheless I will not let PND define me. I am rising above my haunting past. I am rising above the anger. The doubt. The frustration. The rage. The bleakness. The despair. My self worth is much more than that.
My name is Yvette. I am the founder of She is Sacred. My site is a safe, & sacred space of storytelling, self-love & sisterhood. My writing is raw, honest, from the soul, stripped to the very essence experiences on mental health awareness, motherhood, & marriage. You can follow my journey via my website, Instagram and Facebook.
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