I had three children within four years, and my perinatalexperiences were so different with each one.  

With my firstborn son, I had a fairly straightforward pregnancyand birth. I wasn’t prepared for the trauma and pain I felt in my own bodyafter a natural birth, and even the simplest thing like laughing without weeingmy pants was no longer a given! I had some postnatal blues and very minorinvasive thoughts, but these passed with time.

My second pregnancy wasnot quite the same. I was expecting the same ease and feelings but caring for a1.5-year-old whilst pregnant quickly dispelled that expectation. We also hadsome personal family changes which impacted negatively prior the the birth so Iwasn’t in a positive headspace.

The birth of my daughter was much tougher and took a huge tollon me physically and emotionally. I remember leaving the hospital in tears,absolutely exhausted and questioning myself why I wasn’t happy? Why wasn’t Ifeeling that same bubble of elated love like the last time?

When we got home, my body really struggled to repair, my pelvicfloor was a mess and my body, in general, felt so bruised and broken – as didmy headspace.

When my daughter was four weeks old, my son was rushed tohospital with multiple seizures. Then at six weeks, we were told that ournewborn daughter’s heel prick test was flagged as positive for the CysticFibrosis (CF) gene. This meant extra testing to determine if she was just acarrier or in fact had the disease. We were 90% sure that she was just acarrier, however the first round of tests was inconclusive, and we had to wait sixmonths before getting our answer. (Yes, phew she is just a carrier, and so ismy husband as it turns out.) However, despite feeling fairly confident that wasgoing to be the result, over those first six months, I second guessed everycough, every raspy breath, and never felt quite safe that she would be okay.

On reflection, I knew that I was struggling with some postnatalanxiety and depression, but I put my children’s health first and didn’t seekhelp for myself.

When my daughter was 14 months old, my husband and I decidedthat we were happy with our family of four, and we didn’t want to risk anotherscare of having a baby with the CF gene. We had needed a gentle helping nudgeto fall pregnant with both our son and daughter, BUT life decided our familywasn’t yet complete and it turned out that we were already five weeks pregnantwith our little miracle boy.

We made the decision not to do invasive genetic testing and we werehappy with the decision that he was meant to be with us and a part of ourfamily, no matter what. I surprised myself that mentally I was content withthis and I didn’t feel worried about the possibility of him being born with theCF gene.

My body handled my third pregnancy by far the best. I had allthe normal aches and pains, abdominal muscle separation, pelvic floorweakening, but I was determined to enjoy it and make everything around me asrelaxed as possible (ie, no moving home, no job changes etc) – so that I couldgo into the birth as relaxed as possible.

Then COVID happened.

All my normal scans, appointments, coffee with friends, shoppingfor the new baby, general nesting activities all stopped. My family and I wentinto a stricter than normal lockdown as it was early in the COVID pandemic andthe risks of being pregnant and delivering if infected were not ideal. In fact,it was quite scary. All my efforts to make this the most relaxed pregnancy wentout the window!

Despite this, the birth and the first week in hospital with ourlittlest boy was actually amazing. We had a planned cesarean, and the birth andpain management afterward was wonderful. I felt all the love bubble feelingsagain and was so happy.

Then my milk came in. And my son’s pain erupted. He screamed inpain for most of 20 – 22 hours a day. He couldn’t sleep longer than 45 minutesbefore waking in pain. He couldn’t feed without it hurting him. It was sodistressing seeing him in such pain, and I was operating in survival mode on nosleep. I felt so guilty that I couldn’t be a present mum for my eldest twochildren, nor a present wife for my husband.

My son was diagnosed with severe reflux and an allergy to cow’smilk protein and soy. After many doctor and specialists’ appointments, wefinally got him on to the right medication, and with both of us on a highlyrestrictive diet his pain finally settled.

But this took eight months. Eight months of a really unhappybaby, a screaming baby, and no sleep. I was a mess. I was having really darkinvasive thoughts and imagining really sad events happening to my immediatefamily. If any of the kids bumped themselves or had a fall, I couldn’t react ina measured way, I immediately reacted to everything as an absolute worst-casescenario. I struggled to find any happy moments day to day. My social andgeneral anxiety was got worse, and after my first panic attack, I went to my GPand finally sought help.

She referred me to GidgetFoundation Australia’s Start Talking Telehealth program, and it was here that Ifound the help I needed. My Gidget Foundation Australia clinician gave mereally useful tools and strategies to help my anxiety and invasive thoughts. I foundclarity in my mind, and was able to heal. One particular thing I really lovedabout it was that she was so understanding about doing our sessions with mychildren present.

When I reflect on everything I have been through and howdifferent each baby was, I am so much kinder to myself. I still have trickymoments, but I’m now confident knowing how to acknowledge what’s happening andhow to handle it.

‍

‍