March 2021, I had the biggest shock of my life. As I lay there with the scanning probe on my belly, I remember seeing a huge head. I wasn't 6 weeks pregnant, but 6 months along. I started balling my eyes out. I called my husband hysterically (who was interstate). "Get home", I said. This was not planned. I wasn't ready to be a mother. 

Fast forward 3 months, I am getting rushed to theatre. My baby is stuck and they need to do an emergency C-section. Anxiety sweeps over me. My only thought… "Is my baby okay?". Very quickly, Cooper is pulled from my stomach, a healthy beautiful baby. 

Unfortunately, in June 2021, Covid is rampant in Sydney. The hospital is chaos and midwifes are running around the Postnatal Ward frantically. Nobody is answering my calls for help because they are busy dealing with emergencies. As I sit next to my screaming baby, physically not able to lift him from the bassinet, all I can think about is how to get home. I make it my mission to get discharged the following day. Pretending I am fine.

Days later, during a visit with the at-home midwife, she detects that something isn't right. After days of not sleeping, I am starting to unravel. Fixated on breastfeeding, hearing things that aren't there, paranoid, I am not myself. She puts me in her car and takes me to the nearest hospital. I was not thinking clearly and thought my baby had been taken from me. I am hysterical. Where are they taking me? I stayed in the Maternity Ward for a week with Cooper. I was diagnosed with Postnatal Depression and PTSD. The goal during my stay, to sleep. It had been 10 days with no more than a few minutes of sleep here and there. I was discharged with the hope that I would sleep at home. 

The night I was discharged from hospital, my husband called an ambulance. I ended up in an Acute Psychiatric Unit separated from Cooper. Apart from giving birth, I'd never stayed in hospital. Before this baby, I'd never had mental health concerns. What was happening to me? I was diagnosed with Postnatal Psychosis. I had only heard of this condition, and what I had heard, it wasn't good. This stigma plagued my mind. I was sure that this meant I couldn't be a good mother. 

Due to Covid, I was the only patient in the psychiatric hospital allowed to have a visitor, Cooper. I didn’t feel safe as being treated differently from other patients due to being a new parent led to significant tensions with the other patients.   After a week in this unit, I was transferred to a Mother and Baby Unit, where I was reunited with Cooper. The difference in how I felt at the Mother and Baby Unit was stark. I felt safe. Finally, I could try and make sense of what was happening and start to heal. The best part though, was meeting and talking with other mothers. Despite their mental health concerns, they were all good mothers, trying their best for their baby. This gave me hope. Maybe I could be like them? 

I had several hospital admissions over the next two years. Throughout this time I was supported by Gidget Foundation Australia with regular counselling. At the time I felt like I would never recover, and that going in and out of hospital was just part of my life now. I wasn't the person I was before but a shell of myself. Thankfully, with the support of my ‘village’, things eventually improved. 

I wanted another baby but I was scared. Would I get unwell again? Doctors told me I had a 50% chance of experiencing another psychosis. My Gidget Clinician and the Community Mental Health team helped me come up with a plan. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) strategies, medication and therapy kept me well during my pregnancy. We had a plan if I needed another hospital admission- a Mother and Baby Unit. This time I wouldn't be separated from my baby. Or so I thought… 

Unfortunately plans don't always go the way you want. At my 16-week scan, they detected an issue with my baby's heart. Hearing this news and the prognosis that followed was devastating. In the following weeks, we visited different specialists and different diagnoses were thrown around. Doctors talked to us about termination, however, we decided to continue with the pregnancy. 

Blake was born with congenital heart disease needing admission to the NICU in the children's hospital. When he was born, Blake was rushed away needing oxygen and other interventions. He spent three weeks in hospital while I was at a Mother and Baby Unit. Inevitably, with the stress of Blake's deteriorating health, I couldn't sleep. During the day I spent every minute I could by his bedside, holding him and loving him.

However, as my mental health declined so did the restrictions around when I needed to be on the unit to sleep. Impatient and irritated, my symptoms got worse. I could see that the doctors and nurses were just helping me, but I just wanted to be with my baby. I didn't know if he would make it. 

As Blake grew stronger, he was discharged from hospital and came to the Mother and Baby Unit with me. This made all the difference. I was able to spend time with him and sleep. I gradually grew stronger and stronger. If Blake was okay, so was I. 

If it wasn't for the help of medical professionals including my Gidget Clinician, I wouldn't have survived the hardest period of my life. These four years were more than challenging but having someone listen made all the difference. I will always be grateful to Gidget Foundation for their support.