‘Do we have another baby, and when is the right time to do it?’. It’s a question many parents wonder. Often as their first child starts talking and walking and the haze of the newborn bubble clears.
While some parents agonise over picking the ideal sibling age gap, the ‘right’ timing isn’t so simple.
Every family has different needs, values, circumstances and experiences. Factors like fertility, pregnancy loss, an unplanned pregnancy, a parents mental and physical health, emotional readiness, a child’s developmental needs, relationships and financial constraints, can all impact both the number of children a family has, and the spacing. With so many variables at play, there can’t possibly be a best or worst age gap.
Parents usually fall into two categories
Parenting author and psychologist Justin Coulson says there are two types of parents when it comes to sibling gaps.
“The first is, get it all over and done with as fast as we can,” the father-of-six says. “These are smaller families, with two or three kids in the space of five years.”
“The alternate is spacing kids out. Giving each child a lot of attention, investment and time. And parents can avoid the exhaustion of having three kids under three.”
Now you’re thinking, ‘Ok, so which is better?’. Justin admits “there isn’t any hard data”.
He says parents can get caught up over trying to create the best bond between siblings, but families should focus on values, finances and the health of parents and children.
"A big gap can mean differences in ability and interests, while close in age siblings can compete fiercely..."
What does the research say about the perfect age gap?
US child psychologist, Cara Goodwin, who works in scientific research for parents, found while there was no “ideal age gap”, some studies suggest a gap of "27 to 32 months may be associated with the best health outcomes for mother and child”.
"In terms of sibling relationship, siblings who are closer in age tend to fight more but are closer, which may have positive benefits for social skills," Dr Goodwin writes.
"Parents who have children closer in age may be more stressed and more likely to have relationship problems."
NSW paediatric speech pathologist, Kylie Toynton, is researching for a project on how to handle sibling age gaps, and found “a moderate gap of around three to four years often creates the richest opportunities for siblings to learn from each other”.
“Older siblings take on ‘teacher’ roles, guiding younger siblings’ play and problem-solving… this can build confidence and cooperation,” she says.
“On the other hand, larger or smaller gaps can present challenges. A big gap can mean differences in ability and interests, while close in age siblings can compete fiercely as they strive for independence.”
To help parents, Kylie suggests to “think of it like tuning a guitar: too close in pitch, and there’s tension; too far apart, and harmony is harder to find. When the gap is ‘just right’, each sibling’s strengths can complement the other to create something special”.
A close age gap of one to three years
Benefits:
- Companionship: Siblings will spend a lot of time together.
- Shared experiences: Children celebrate milestones like starting school together.
- Self-esteem and security: Having a sibling to rely on can foster a keen sense of security and be a healthy outlet for sharing feelings.
- Social skills development: Younger siblings may learn quickly from older siblings, while older siblings take on a nurturing or mentoring role.
Challenges:
- Increased competition: Close age gaps might lead to sibling rivalry.
- Increased stress for parents: With multiple small children, parents are pulled in many directions physically and emotionally leading to exhaustion.
- Limited independence: Multiple young children needing attention at the same time means less time for self-care to recharge, or one-on-one time with kids.
- Risk of burnout: The physical and emotional demands of caring for children close in age and trying to “do it all” can cause stress without proper support.
A large age gap of five years plus
Benefits:
- Less rivalry: Children of larger gaps could have different interests, having successes and challenges years apart. Less need to compete for attention.
- Less stress on mum: If children are spaced out, a mother won’t feel pulled in as many directions if older siblings are at an age of independence.
- More time to recharge: If a mother isn’t stretched as thin, she has more time to recover, recharge and carve out alone time.
- Role modelling: The older sibling might act as a protector and guide for the younger child.
- Return to paid work: If a mother has more years between children, she has time to return to the workforce, if she wants, and rediscover her self-identity.
- Emotional support: Older siblings may have a greater capacity for empathy, offering emotional support to their younger sibling during tough times.
Challenges:
- Less shared experience: The gap in age and developmental stages might make it harder for siblings to find common ground in terms of interests or experiences.
- Distance: The larger age difference may create a feeling of emotional distance, with the older sibling more focused on their own life.
- Different parenting styles: With a larger gap, you may find that your parenting style shifts based on the developmental needs of each child. The older child might need more emotional or academic support, while the younger child still requires more hands-on care.
A mother’s readiness is a key factor is sibling age gap
The age gaps between Kylie’s three daughters – who are now 21, 19 and 15 – were intentional, but for different reasons.
Kylie, the founder of Unplugged Play - a program focused on reconnecting families away from screens - felt clucky for a second child when her first turned one.
“A two-year gap felt right: close enough for them to grow up as friends, but not so close it would be overwhelming,” she says.
But living on a rural cattle farm 50 kilometres from the nearest town, Kylie’s mental health slipped.
“After our second child, I experienced post-natal depression. I felt isolated and found it difficult to access professional support,” she says.
“That’s why we waited longer before having our third child - giving ourselves time to heal and making sure the older two were settled in school so I felt stronger and more resilient for those early days again.”
Where you live impacts how you shape your family
Kylie says a family location can play a role in sibling age gaps.
“In urban Australia… the cost of housing, rising living expenses, and access to affordable childcare tend to play a major role,” she says. “Many parents also delay having additional children due to career pressures or limited support networks.
“In rural areas, while finances matter… Parents tend to have children younger and may have larger families, with closer age gaps. This is due to stronger support systems, more flexible work environments, and less pressure from housing or childcare costs.”
"What matters is how parents nurture relationships with and between their children."
The verdict? There is no perfect age gap. Connection is key
Every family has different values, and with so many variables, there can’t be a best or worst age gap. What matters is how parents nurture relationships with and between their children.
“A close age gap doesn’t always mean a close relationship,” Kylie warns. “A sibling’s relationship is shaped by how we, as parents, create opportunities for them to connect, communicate, and navigate emotions together.”
Justin’s advice is to “do what you want for the life you want”.
“We overcomplicate this. The best thing you can do for your children to get along well, and have positive experiences, is to love these kids like crazy,” he says.
“Give them a supportive, loving environment. Make them feel completely secure and support them in their hopes, dreams, and aspirations.”
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