One part of new motherhood that no one tells you about, is how it can shake up your friendships as much as your sleep schedule. While you’re deep in the newborn trenches, juggling nappies and night feeds, friendships can fade or even disappear. It can feel sad and isolating, but it’s a space many mums find themselves in.
You’re not alone (or a bad friend) if a friendship becomes distant or runs its course.
The good news is, there are ways to make navigating friendship loss easier, and motherhood itself is a wonderful opportunity to strengthen existing relationships, and to find new connections that can stay for life.
Some friendships are for a reason, a season or a lifetime
We’ve all heard the saying: people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
It’s a cliché. But motherhood has a funny way of making it feel very true.
Some friendships are for a version of you. The high school you. The party you. The work you, and the pre-baby you.
Then motherhood arrives, and your mindset, body, time and capacity all change.
Sometimes those adjustments don’t fit in with old friendships.
The “ride or die” friendships you thought you’d have for life, still mean something. They just might not have the same value in this next chapter.
Because becoming a mother doesn’t just change your life, it changes you.
Matrescence changes a woman inside and out
Psychologist Courtney Wilton from Nourished Psychology, says the profound transition into motherhood – known as matrescence – makes a woman reassess every part of her life.
“Becoming a mother is like being broken completely open and then putting the pieces back together in a way you never imagined,” she says.
“It can make you into someone you never expected in the most beautiful of ways.
“It makes us re-examine who we are and our priorities, at the same time as navigating the physical and emotional shifts that come in postpartum.”
Reasons why mums lose friends after having a baby
- Your priorities shift: It’s hard to put friends first when you become a parent because your focus is your baby, learning to parent, and staying well mentally and physically.
- Friends without kids may not understand: Friends without children may struggle to relate to your new schedule, needs, postpartum mood disorders or preference to be with your baby. Some may make you feel judged or left out.
- Expectations and miscommunication: Sometimes friendships break down due to a new mum’s lack of time and change in communication; taking days to respond to messages can leave friends not feeling like a priority.
- Your emotional needs change: You may find yourself craving conversations and connection with people who can relate to what you’re going through.
- Life moves in different directions: Having children is just one way friendships change. Careers, distance, travel and values also impact how friends connect.
How do friendship breakdowns impact a new mum?
Friendships drift apart in all stages of life, but in motherhood it can feel more painful.
You may already be missing parts of your old self while needing more support during this vulnerable time.
Regardless of why it happens, losing a friendship can feel as gut-wrenching as a breakup.
“Humans are social beings, and social connectedness is vital for good mental health,” Courtney says.
“If we are not socially connected, we can feel lonely and isolated which can exacerbate anxiety or depression, make us withdraw and impact our moods.”
You might feel:
- Grief
- Guilt
- Sadness
- Confusion
- Abandonment
- Anger
- Isolation
How to navigate friendship breakdowns in motherhood
It’s common for friendships to change, especially during postpartum, so you need to be kind to yourself. Below are ways to cope with losing a friend.
- Let yourself grieve the relationship: It’s OK to be hurt or confused. Journal about it, have a cry or talk to someone who validates your feelings.
- Understand it’s not always personal: Friends can pull away because of their own fears or discomfort. Fertility and life challenges can make them adjust their circle.
- Prioritise the people you have: Focus your energy on relationships that feel easy and supportive. Quality over quantity.
- You’re not alone: Remind yourself this happens to many mothers. You’re allowed to outgrow relationships, and while painful – people are allowed to set their own boundaries. You’re not failing.
- Act if you want to repair: If you miss a friend, reach out and be honest about your feelings. Send them a text, “I miss you; I know things have changed, but I’d love to reconnect when you’re open to it.”
How to maintain friendships in early motherhood?
When you have a baby, it can feel near impossible to organise face-to-face catch ups, let alone get out of the house with all the gear, nappies and wipes.
Go easy on yourself and set realistic expectations with keeping friendships. Your availability and energy have changed.
“If all you can do is chat via text, voice note or group chat, then that is better than nothing,” Courtney says.
“It is easy to get caught up in the Groundhog Day that is motherhood and let days go by without speaking to a friend. But having interaction regularly can help maintain friendships and help you keep part of yourself too.”
Ways to keep friendships solid when you become a mother.
- Communicate openly about your new reality: Let friends know about your changing schedule, energy levels and priorities so they understand your availability.
- Set sensible expectations: Accept you might not be as responsive or available and reassure friends it’s not personal. Be honest and open if you need to cancel or reschedule.
- Make use of small windows of time: Send a text or voice message instead of waiting for a long catch-up session
- Include friends in this new stage: Invite friends for pram walks or baby-friendly activities.
- Acknowledge their support: Thank friends for being flexible and understanding.
- Show interest in your friend’s lives too: Ask about their work, hobbies or relationships so the friendship stays two-sided.
Motherhood is a time for new friendships
While it’s heartbreaking to see friendships drift away, early motherhood is the perfect time to build new aligned connections.
Make space for new friendships because when you’re a mum, you need like-minded people in the trenches with you. Connect with parents to vent about poo explosions, teething, solids and the juggle of mum life.
“Meeting people at a similar life stage can be helpful for new mothers who may be feeling overwhelmed or lonely,” Courtney says.
“Explore places to take your baby where there are other mums, whether it be an exercise class, story time at the library, the park or an organised mother’s group.
It might be helpful to:
- Join a local mothers’ group: Connecting with parents who have babies of a similar age can provide a sense of shared understanding and support.
- Attend playgroups or community groups: Libraries, community centres and early parenting services often run regular sessions where you can meet other parents.
- Explore online communities: Online groups can be a gentle way to connect, especially if getting out feels too overwhelming.
- Start small: A simple conversation at the park, cafe, or baby activity can be the beginning of a new connection.
Building any new friendship can take time, and it’s completely okay if things start slowly.
Not every connection will become a close friend, and that’s okay too. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t a meaningful interaction at the time.
The benefits of friendships in motherhood
Having adult connections helps remind a mother of who they are and gives them a sense of purpose outside raising a child.
“Mothers need to be nourished physically, mentally and emotionally just as much as the babies do,” Courtney says. “Mothers give so much of themselves to other people, sometimes they forget about themselves,” she says.
“Having another adult to talk to about adult things (not just baby things) can be helpful in improving the mood of the day, or allowing that rare window of time to be a really good part of their day.”
.jpg)
.png)
