At Mother's group, everyone's babies seemed to sleep really well, and you know, why is my situation different to that?
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The panic attack was over the guilt and the shame that how could I even leave my 9-week-old baby at home, and this whole thing of me wanting to escape and run away.
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I took this really, very steep, dive.
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You know, when you're driving home, and you're pulling over, and you're googling ways to kill yourself and end your life, it's a pretty scary, dark place to be.
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So, I got home, and my husband could just tell that I wasn't myself, I was an absolute mess, and he was like, "Chels, what's going on Darling, are you ok? I'm actually quite worried about you."
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I said to him, "You know what babe, I'm actually not coping", and this mask came off; I could actually drop the ego, finally, and be really honest with him.

"I kept thinking that you're going to be better off without me in your life, Clara's going to be better off without a mother like me in her life, I'm a burden to you guys, you guys are going to thank me. You'll thank me."
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And the look on my husband's face, it just, it broke him.
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And he's like, "Darling we love you, life is not better without you not in it, and we need you. Clara needs you as a mother. We need you. We love you. We're getting you professional help.