Hey, Mumma. I see you. I see the love you pour into your little ones, the late nights, the endless effort, the deep care. And I know that voice in your head—the one that whispers (or sometimes shouts), "You're doing it all wrong."
That voice, your Inner Mean Mumma, a term originally coined by Amy Taylor-Kabaz, thrives on self-doubt, comparison, and perfectionism. It tells you that you're failing, that you're not doing enough, that every other mum has it all figured out—except you. And if you've been hearing this voice louder since becoming a mother, you're not alone.
Motherhood is one of the biggest identity shifts a person can go through. It's messy, beautiful, overwhelming, and transformative, all at once. And in the midst of it, your inner critic can grow stronger than ever, fuelled by exhaustion, unrealistic expectations, and the pressure to "get it right."
But here's the truth: you don’t have to listen to that harsh, critical voice.
Motherhood is one of the biggest identity shifts a person can go through.
The Science Behind the Inner Mean Mumma
The Inner Mean Mumma isn’t just an annoying thought pattern—it’s deeply rooted in both psychology and neuroscience. Our brains are designed for survival, which means they have a built-in negativity bias. This bias helped our ancestors stay alert to potential dangers in the wild, but in modern motherhood, it turns inward, making us hyper-aware of perceived failures.
When you feel like you’ve made a mistake, your brain activates the stress response system, releasing cortisol, the primary stress hormone. This flood of stress chemicals can heighten anxiety, create feelings of guilt, and make negative thoughts feel even more convincing. Instead of seeing a moment of struggle for what it is—a moment—your brain interprets it as a threat, reinforcing the belief that you’re not good enough.
Mothers also experience heightened activity in the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for emotional processing and threat detection. This means that even small perceived failures, like forgetting to pack your child’s lunch or struggling with bedtime routines, can feel disproportionately overwhelming.
The good news? The brain is adaptable. Neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to rewire itself—means that with practice, you can shift from self-criticism to self-compassion. Every time you challenge a harsh thought, reframe a belief, or offer yourself kindness, you strengthen new neural pathways that support self-acceptance. Research suggests that practising self-compassion activates the brain's soothing system, increasing oxytocin (the love hormone), which helps counteract stress and fosters a sense of calm and connection.
Let’s talk about why the inner critic shows up so loudly in motherhood—and what you can do to quiet it.
Why Is the Inner Critic Louder in Motherhood?
Your Inner Mean Mumma gets louder for a few key reasons:
- Matrescence: The Transformation of Motherhood: The term matrescence was first introduced by anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s to describe the transition a woman goes through when becoming a mother. Much like adolescence, matrescence is a period of significant hormonal, emotional, and psychological change. It is not just the birth of a baby—it is the birth of a mother. This shift can bring profound changes to identity, relationships, self-perception, and societal roles.
Just as society understands that teenagers need guidance and support as they transition into adulthood, new mothers also need space to be held, supported, and understood as they navigate this life-altering change. However, unlike adolescence, matrescence is often overlooked, leaving mothers feeling isolated in their struggles. The pressure to instinctively "know what to do" only amplifies uncertainty, making the inner critic louder and more persistent. - The ‘Supermum’ Myth: Society glorifies the image of a mother who does it all—flawlessly. The spotless house, the perfectly behaved kids, the thriving career, the self-care routine. But that’s not real life. The pressure to be everything to everyone only fuels feelings of inadequacy. When real-life struggles don’t match this impossible ideal, self-doubt creeps in.
- Comparison Culture: Social media shows the highlight reels of motherhood, not the meltdowns, the loneliness, or the mental load. Seeing curated perfection can make you feel like you're falling short when, in reality, no one has it all together all the time. Research shows that excessive comparison leads to lower self-esteem and increased stress, making it even harder to quiet the Inner Mean Mumma.
- The ‘Good Mother’ Narrative: There’s this unspoken message that a "good mum" should be selfless, endlessly patient, and completely devoted to her child. But you’re human. Wanting rest, space, or help doesn’t make you a bad mum—it makes you a person. In fact, modelling self-care and emotional regulation teaches your children important life skills about balance and self-worth.
Wanting rest, space, or help doesn’t make you a bad mum—it makes you a person.
How to Quiet Your Inner Mean Mumma
The goal isn’t to battle your inner critic—it’s to understand it and respond with kindness. Here’s how:
1. Name the Voice
When the self-critical thoughts creep in, call them out: "Oh, there’s my Inner Mean Mumma again." Naming the voice helps separate it from your true self.
2. Respond with Self-Compassion
Instead of beating yourself up, imagine how you’d speak to a friend. Try shifting your thoughts:
- Instead of "I’m failing as a mum," try "I’m doing my best, and that’s enough."
- Instead of "I should be more patient," try "I had a hard moment, but that doesn’t define me."
3. Step Away from Comparison
Limit social media if it fuels your self-doubt. Instead, seek out real, honest connections with mums who remind you that no one has it all figured out.
4. Focus on What You Are Doing
Your brain will naturally fixate on what you think you’re getting wrong. Challenge that by noticing what you are doing right—whether it’s a kind word, a hug, or simply showing up for your kids each day.
5. Give Yourself Permission to Rest
Rest isn’t a luxury—it’s a necessity. You don’t have to earn the right to take care of yourself. A well-nurtured mum creates a well-nurtured home. Research shows that lack of sleep and chronic stress can worsen self-criticism, so prioritising your well-being benefits the whole family. Rest can be whatever feels recharging, whether it’s a nap, a quiet moment alone, or simply giving yourself grace when things don’t go as planned. Everyone’s needs are different and honouring that is key.
6. Practise Self-Compassionate Mantras
On tough days, try repeating:
- "I am the mum my child needs"
- “I am worthy of rest”
- “This too shall pass”
- "Perfect isn’t real, love is"
- "I am doing my best, and that is enough"
It is not just the birth of a baby—it is the birth of a mother.
You Are Enough
Your Inner Mean Mumma will try to convince you that you’re falling short. But you are already more than enough, just as you are.
Every time you choose self-compassion over self-criticism, you’re not just helping yourself—you’re modelling it for your children. You’re showing them that mistakes are okay, that emotions are meant to be felt, and that kindness (even towards yourself) is one of the most powerful tools of all.
So, take a deep breath, Mumma. You’re doing better than you think.
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