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Coping with Infertility

Gidget Foundation Australia understands that the desire to start a family is fundamental part of being human. However, this journey can become complicated when faced with infertility. Infertility is formally defined as the inability to conceive a pregnancy after 12 months of unprotected sexual intercourse. The human brain often struggles with ambiguity and uncertainty, making a diagnosis of infertility particularly unsettling and distressing. Despite increased societal awareness of the various paths to parenthood, individuals may still experience a sense of loneliness or fear of stigma surrounding their parenting journey.

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Infertility

Infertility affects approximately 1 in 6 Australian couples of reproductive ages.¹ It is not uncommon for such a challenging period to impact the wellbeing of individuals or couples. Seeking support early is strongly recommended to reduce the likelihood of depression, anxiety, or other mental health challenges.

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Understanding infertility

The causes of infertility are many and varied, involving female, male, or a combination of factors. These can include issues with the production of sperm or eggs, the structure or function of the female or male reproductive systems, and/or hormonal and immune conditions.

Studies suggest that in 40% of couples, the cause of infertility is attributed to a sperm factor, in another 40%, the cause is found within the female reproductive system, and a third is a combination of male and female factors.^{2 3}

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Impact on family & relationships

People experience infertility cycles with both hope and loss, leading to high highs and low lows. It is important to appreciate that as the process progresses, there are losses to consider around the expectations of how a family is created, what a family unit may become, and possible pregnancy losses. Consequently, the grief can feel expansive. Additional complexities may arise as each person in the couple will have their own unique grieving and coping mechanism, which might differ from their partner’s.

We also recognise that loved ones or extended family might not fully understand the nuances and challenges that may be faced by an individual or couple during this period, which can lead to a sense of isolation.

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Coping with grief

Coping with infertility is highly complex, and each individual’s experience is unique. We understand that you may feel a range of complex emotions. Whatever you are feeling is expected and normal, whether it is low, powerless, frustrated, sad, angry, isolated, or experiencing intolerable loss. Gidget Foundation Australia recognises that grief is a natural and integral part of the infertility journey. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief is never linear, and grief due to infertility is particularly nonlinear.

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Breaking the stigma

Breaking the stigma around infertility, loss, grief, and mental health is fundamental to your emotional recovery. An important step in breaking the stigma is to talk about your experience, both as individuals and as a couple. Stigma can prevent us from seeking help, so it is important to start conversations with your GP, maternal health nurse, and/or trusted health professionals.

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Seeking help

Each individual will move in and out of the different phases of grief at different times, so it is important to reach out and seek support early. There are various types of support available, including individual psychological support, helplines, online support, mutual support groups, genetic counselling, and more.

Gidget Foundation Australia encourages you to reach out and seek help, if needed. While you may have your own coping strategies to ease the emotional load, below is a list of coping strategies for infertility.

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Coping strategies

1. Create Some Space To Practice Self-Compassion

Infertility can be an incredibility stressful experience. It is important to remain curious and open about your feelings. Be kind to yourself and practise self-empathy. For example, you might say “It’s understandable that I feel upset because this is really important to me.”

2. Self-Care

Self-care is more important than ever. Give yourself some time to fill your cup by including some self-nurturing activities. Focus on improving sleep, getting adequate rest, eating well and trying to include a little exercise every day.

3. Try To Reduce Self-Blame & Judgement

Hindsight bias occurs when we reflect on the past and berate ourselves for not doing things differently. To reduce self-criticism or self-blame, start by noticing when you have self-blaming or unhelpful thoughts, then choose to have a compassionate thought about yourself or the situation. A helpful benchmark is, “How would I speak to a good friend?” and try to apply the same approach to yourself.

4. Reach Out To Other People

It may be hard for family and friends who have a child to truly understand what it is like to long for a baby and experience infertility. However, connecting with trusted friends can help reduce the level of emotional isolation you may be feeling. Also, be sure to let them know how you want to be supported.

5. Give Your Partner Permission To Feel & Cope Differently Than You

It’s OK if your partner doesn’t feel exactly what you are feeling. They might feel similarly but express it differently, experience emotions at a different pace, or have unique coping strategies. People’s emotional landscapes are unique. For example, your partner may compartmentalise and focus on things they can control, like work, while you might need to vent and express things in the moment.

When we are in a partnership, especially when stressed or feeling vulnerable, it can be hard not to take things personally. Try to create space to connect and share what is going on for you by giving each other space to feel heard. Sometimes we react and defend rather than listen and support our partner. This can be easier to do with the help of a counsellor or by being very clear about a time and place where this feels possible.

6. Couple Relationships

Couple relationships can experience a lot of stress after an infertility diagnosis. You may notice that you or your partner are more reactive or have diminished resilience or patience. Understandably, this can result in conflict, so it’s very important to be clear about each other’s needs and try to create regular catch-up times. Tell your partner how you want to be helped. Though we are not always confident to do so, you could bravely ask for what you need individually—a hug, some space for a few minutes, or just to be listened to without any response. Also, take time to consider what you might want as a couple. For example, together you might decide to pass up gatherings with pregnant friends or those with babies for a period. You are allowed to create boundaries that help manage what can be a challenging time.

The Gottman Relationship Blog⁴ may be a helpful resource in managing conflict.

7. Improve Your Own Understanding & Communication About Infertility

Better understanding the topic of infertility can help support your interactions and communication with family and friends. Being selective about social media can reduce fears and misinformation. Try to access reliable information from trusted health professionals and specialists.

8. Seek Help

The ambiguity and uncertainty about the future that comes with infertility can be very difficult. If you feel like your mood has deteriorated, your anxiety levels are impacting your daily routine, or you are not coping, speak to your GP and get a referral and Mental Health Care Plan to Gidget Foundation Australia.

9. Find Your Tribe

Know that you are part of a community and remember that you are not alone! Support groups play an important role in communities nationwide. Find one near you and connect with others who understand.

You may find it helpful to chat on an online forum with other parents who are in a similar situation. However, be mindful of what time of day you are going online and what information you are accessing. Ideally, give yourself time to wind down before bed to help aid your rest.

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