Unwrapping Bereaved Mother's Day: Love, Grief, and Everything In-Between

Mother’s Day: Everything In-Between

While Mother's Day is a joyous occasion for many, it can be a challenging time for others. For those whose family experiences don't align with the idealised images often shared on social media, Mother's Day can trigger a range of emotions, from sorrow and regret, to anger and resentment, depending on your situation. These conflicting feelings can be unsettling, especially for individuals distressed by their relationships with early caregivers.  

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, highlights how our early attachment experiences can shape our adult relationships. Understanding this connection helps us seek trust and safety in our relationships, navigate our emotions, and foster compassion for ourselves and others, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Dr. Pauline Boss coined the term "ambiguous loss" to describe the uncertainty faced when a loved one is physically present but emotionally absent, or vice versa. This type of loss can prevent the ability to mourn the unmet emotional needs experienced in childhood, extending across a lifetime.  

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Types of Grief in Anticipation of Mother's Day

Infertility

Mother's Day can be a poignant reminder of lost hopes and dreams for those struggling with infertility. The celebration can heighten feelings of inadequacy, blame, shame, guilt, resentment and loss. Navigating through cycles of hope then disappointment can be incredibly challenging, leaving individuals feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and uncertain for the future. Embracing strategies to survive and thrive during these emotional ups and downs is vital, including acknowledging your emotions without judgment.

Exclusion

Individuals who don't conform to traditional family roles and structures, such as LGBTQIA+ parents, single parents, or those who are childless by choice or circumstance, can face discrimination and stigmatisation. Finding compassionate and inclusive communities to support you through these challenging times is crucial for your well-being. Consider alternative celebrations to recognise other nurturing relationships you have with friends, family, or even pets.

Loss of a Parent

Losing a parent can trigger profound grief, with the pain being particularly acute on Mother's Day. Having a day dedicated to celebrating maternal or paternal figures really highlights the absence of that tethered bond. Sharing stories and memories with family and friends who also knew them can provide comfort and a sense of connection. Reaching out for emotional support is important for dealing with the intensity of the loss.

Parental Loss of a Child

The unexpected loss of a child, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, or sudden death, is profoundly challenging, particularly on Mother's Day. It is a reminder of this devasting loss, bringing to the surface unfulfilled hopes and dreams for the future. After such devastating grief, parents often feel as though they have lost a part of themselves. Give yourself permission to grieve and express your emotions and find ways to remember and honour your child. This could include lighting a candle, visiting their resting place, or doing something that reminds you of them.

Estrangement

Significant life transitions, such as getting married or becoming a parent, can contribute to family estrangement. These changes can intensify existing tensions or create new conflicts within the family as the dynamic shifts. Estrangement over issues like abuse or substance misuse is different from estrangement over differences in values or expectations. Managing these challenges can be incredibly difficult, and it's common to feel uncertain about whether to reconcile or maintain a healthy distance. For those who are estranged or have a strained relationship with their mother, Mother's Day can bring up complex emotions such as sadness, anger, or regret. Speaking with a qualified professional can help navigate this complex and sensitive topic.

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Dealing with Grief on Mother's Day

There is no one way to express the emotional pain, longing, and sorrow that accompany grief and loss. To be human is to know loss in its many forms. Grief does not discriminate and has no set timeline, but over time, it can become less debilitating and overwhelming. By acknowledging and expressing grief, we can find healing and resilience. These experiences help us move forward and find the support we need in our community.

"Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life's search for love and wisdom." – Rumi

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Survival Tips and Strategies to Cope on Mother's Day

Acknowledge Your Feelings

The first step in navigating your emotions is to identify and express them, whether they are fleeting or overwhelming. Grief can manifest in unexpected ways, and by naming your feelings, you can begin to acknowledge the emotional ups and downs that often come with it. These emotions can be triggered by moments you anticipate and those that take you by surprise.

Set and Enforce Healthy Boundaries

As Mother’s Day approaches, be flexible with your social plans. It's perfectly okay not to know how you will feel on the day or whether to accept invitations to celebrate. If you prefer to politely decline invitations, that's completely fine. Focus on what feels right for you during this time and decide how you want to spend the day, whether it's quiet reflection or spending time with your own family unit or a special friend. It's also okay if your plans change.

Create New Rituals

Rituals provide a safe space to embrace the sadness linked to grief and the interconnectedness we share with others. They offer a way to reflect shared values and reinforce connection and social bonding. Throughout history, many cultures have embraced rituals following significant losses, fostering a deep reconnection with community and spiritual life. Examples include meditation, prayer, journaling, writing, drawing, dance, candle lighting, and participating in commemorative practices.

Celebrate Your Loss

Creating a meaningful tribute that resonates with your grief story, represented by photos, ultrasound images, or other significant mementos, is another way to celebrate life and preserve positive memories. These continuous bonds provide an adaptive way for people to connect with their grief.

Put Your Family Unit First

Choosing to celebrate Mother's Day with your own family unit instead of solely focusing on your mother can be an intentional approach, especially if the day brings up complex emotions due to estrangement or a strained relationship. This way, you honour the nurturing and supportive roles that various family members play, such as yourself or your partner, bringing new meaning to the day. While it might be challenging to shift the focus, it can also be a healing and meaningful way to celebrate the essence of motherhood in all its forms.

Limit Social Media  

Mother's Day often brings an influx of posts, which can be emotionally triggering for those experiencing grief. Seeing these posts can intensify feelings of sadness, loneliness, or inadequacy. Social media can create a false sense of reality, where people only share the highlights of their lives. On Mother's Day, this can lead to unhealthy comparisons, making you feel like your grief or situation is unique or less valid. Taking a break from social media allows you to focus on your own healing process. It gives you the space to engage in activities that are meaningful and comforting to you, rather than being influenced by external content.

Call Out for Help and Support

Engaging with supportive and compassionate friends and family or seeking professional support, such as a psychologist or grief counsellor, can help alleviate feelings of isolation and normalise these distressing feelings. Expressing grief altruistically by joining community-based groups engaged with causes or organisations linked to the nature of your loss can also assist in the grieving process.

Practice Self-Compassion

Embracing the positive is key to self-acceptance. Savouring the good, keeping a gratitude journal, and taking the time to acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small, can significantly boost your motivation and self-esteem. Building a habit of positive self-talk is essential for fostering a healthier mindset. When negative thoughts arise, actively challenge them and reframe them to highlight your strengths and capabilities.

_{"It's completely understandable to struggle during such times, and it's important to acknowledge the weight of these experiences. You're not alone in feeling this way."}

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Many people find Mother's Day challenging, and feeling mixed emotions about this annual tradition is natural. It's completely understandable to struggle during such times, and it's important to acknowledge the weight of these experiences. You're not alone in feeling this way. These strategies offer valuable opportunities for reflection and understanding, helping you recognise and embrace the natural ebb and flow of grief, and build resilience in dealing with loss. If you recognise any signs and symptoms of grief and loss, postnatal depression, or anxiety, Gidget Foundation Australia offer individual and group psychological services to support your needs.