Valentine’s Day can feel… different when you’re somewhere between trying to conceive, growing a human, recovering from birth or surviving life with a newborn. The cultural pressure for grand romantic gestures and perfectly planned dates often doesn’t match the reality of night feeds, hormonal shifts and learning how to be a family.
But here’s the good news:
Connection doesn’t require perfection. It just needs intention — small, doable moments of turning toward each other.
In the perinatal period, “spicing things up” isn’t about dramatic romance. It’s about rebuilding closeness in the middle of chaos, exhaustion and change.
Start With Emotional Intimacy
Before thinking about what to do, check in on how you’re both feeling. Life with a new baby (or trying to conceive) is a lot — physically, emotionally, mentally. Couples often fall into survival mode and forget to ask the simple but powerful question: “How are you really doing?”
This doesn’t have to be a long, deep conversation. Think micro‑moments such as:
- Talking for five minutes while baby naps on you
- Checking in while folding laundry or during a pram walk
- Saying one thing you appreciate about each other at the end of the day
Put phones aside, slow your pace just a little, and be present. Emotional intimacy creates the foundation for all other kinds of closeness.
Bring Curiosity Back Into The Relationship
Parenthood changes people — both of you. Curiosity helps you stay connected as you grow. Try asking each other:
- What helps you feel loved right now?
- What’s been the hardest part of this stage for you?
- What’s something small that brings you joy lately?
- What do you miss? What do you need more of?
These gentle check-ins help you rediscover each other beyond the roles of ‘mum’, ‘dad’, or ‘parent’.
Small Changes Create Big Shifts
When you’re exhausted, anything complex is off the table — and that’s okay. Small gestures count. In fact, they matter more than ever.
A few low‑effort ways to reconnect:
- Change the routine slightly: Eat dinner together after the baby’s bedtime, instead of separately.
- Intentional touch: A l hug, holding hands during a walk, a hand on the shoulder as you pass each other in the kitchen.
- Playfulness: A shared inside joke, a silly text or a moment of laughter.
- Acts of service: Have a coffee ready for them after a rough night.
- Appreciation rituals: “One thing I loved that you did today was…”
Tiny date moments at home:
- Share a dessert. A square off a chocolate block is good enough
- Light a candle or put music on during dinner
- Watch a show together and put your phones down
Spice doesn’t need to be dramatic — it just needs to be intentional.
Intimacy Is About Feeling Safe, Seen and Chosen
The perinatal period (from pre-conception until 12 months postpartum) can shift physical intimacy massively — because of recovery, hormones, identity changes, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation and stress. This is all normal.
For many couples, the key to rekindling closeness isn’t sexual. It’s relational safety. Ask yourselves:
- Do we feel appreciated?
- Do we feel like a team?
- Are we giving each other warmth and gentleness?
- Do we feel chosen in the small moments?
Presence — not performance — is what builds intimacy, especially now.
Let Valentine’s Day Be an Invitation, Not a Test
This stage of life can make Valentine’s Day feel more like pressure than pleasure. Instead of treating it as a measurement of how romantic your relationship is, treat it as a gentle invitation. An invitation:
- To reconnect
- To talk
- To laugh
- To slow down
- To remember you’re partners, not just co‑parents
Your relationship doesn’t need to look polished or “Instagram‑worthy.” It needs care, compassion, and small, consistent gestures.
Sometimes, the most meaningful way to spice things up right now is simply to turn toward each other — even if it’s just a few degrees.
And If You’re Navigating Valentine’s Day Solo in the Perinatal Period
Maybe you’re a single parent, using donor conception, co‑parenting, or figuring things out alone. This day can stir up mixed feelings — longing, grief, pride, overwhelm, resilience.
Valentine’s Day should always start with self-love. Be gentle with yourself. Your story is not less worthy. You are allowed to feel everything that comes up. You are also allowed to give yourself kindness and tenderness.
Try offering yourself:
- Time with someone who feels supportive
- Something nurturing (a walk, a treat, a rest)
- Distance from social media if it too triggering right now
- Gratitude for the love you do have — in friendships, community or the bond forming with your baby
Love takes many forms. You don’t have to perform anything today. You get to set the tone in which you acknowledge (or not!) Valentine’s Day, remembering that it’s just another day in the calendar.
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