If your daily to-do list includes items like booking a dentist, buying gifts, and ordering a school uniform - on top of your paid job and everyday chores - chances are, you're carrying most of the mental load.
The mental load or invisible load is the checklist in your mind with everyone’s needs on it.
It’s the little voice in your head reminding you to sign the form, schedule the playdate, and restock toilet paper and soap — again.
The juggle needs to be shared
Often, it can feel like you’re the only person who can tick it all off, to keep the family and household running smoothly.
But the invisible load should never be carried alone. All those parenting hats of chef, social planner, taxi driver, receptionist and nurse, are meant to be shared.
If you’re taking on most of the emotional labour, it can leave you feeling anxious, overwhelmed or burnt-out. Mental load stress is also a huge mood killer in relationships as resentment builds toward the partner carrying less of the load.
Even explaining what is on that list to someone else can feel like a whole other task unto itself. A task that generally finds itself at the bottom of a very long list that prioritises everyone else’s needs. If you are in a partnership, understanding the invisible load, finding ways to communicate about it and putting in strategies together, can help reduce the burden on the partner who is drowning under WhatsApp notifications.
"Even explaining what is on that list to someone else can feel like a whole other task unto itself..."
What is the invisible mental load in motherhood?
The mental load is the cognitive labour or ‘thinking work’ of knowing what needs to happen, by when, for who, and making it happen.
It requires constant attention, memory and multi-tasking. It can include:
- Remembering appointments and school events
- Planning meals, groceries and ingredient inventory
- Anticipating family members’ needs before they arise
- Coordinating childcare and medical appointments
- Following up on tasks and ensuring everything gets done
A 2019 study (Daminger) broke down the mental load into four key parts, to show how decision-making can be so draining and relentless:
- Anticipate: Thinking what needs to be done
- Identify: Doing the research like figuring out the best holiday or doctor
- Decide: Choosing the right fit for your family
- Monitor: Following up on everything
Each of these steps takes time, thought, and energy, and they happen in the background, without anyone noticing. Except the person carrying it all.
Signs you might be struggling with the mental load
- Feeling stressed or overwhelmed, even when not actively doing anything
- Difficulty relaxing or having a racing mind at night
- Irritable and quick to anger, especially over things that usually don't bother you
- Resentment when a partner or family member relaxes
- Decision fatigue
- Struggling to be present with family
If you are holding most of the family’s invisible load, it can negatively impact your mental health in these ways:
- Resentment and relationship conflict
- Isolation and guilt
- Stress, anxiety and depression
- Sleep disturbance and exhaustion
- Reduced time for self-care
"...women have been expected to be the 'default parent'."
Why are women most impacted by the mental load?
Even in families which aim to divide parenting and household responsibilities equally, the mental to-do list still unfairly sits on a woman’s shoulders.
Thanks to loud societal and cultural messages sent to little girls, and the role-modelling we all saw growing up, many women believe they should carry the bulk of household work and caregiving.
For generations, women have been expected to be the ‘default parent’.
Recent research shows that despite some progress, women still take on more unpaid domestic work and childcare.
A 2022 Melbourne Institute study found men spent 12.8 hours a week on housework (the same amount as 20 years earlier), while women do 50 per cent more - 18.4 hours.
And looking after kids? The Workplace Gender Equality Agency report showed women spend 64.4 per cent of their week on unpaid care work, while men spend 36.1 per cent.
How to share the mental load fairly in a relationship
Balancing the mental load isn’t about helping. It’s about being proactive and sharing responsibility.
If you are carrying less of the mental load:
- Notice the invisible work: Pay attention to thankless tasks that keep life moving. The meal planning, the RSVPs, the school admin.
- Don’t wait to be asked: It’s not a woman’s job to manage and assign tasks. Partners must know what needs to be done and do it without prompting.
- Do the task from start to finish: If you’re in charge of lunchboxes, that includes groceries. If you sign up a child to sport, sort the fees and uniforms. If you take out the rubbish, put a new bin liner in and take the bins out on bin night.
- Communication is key: Set time to talk about mental load and plan chores, schedules and finances. List tasks, divide them equally.
- Set up systems: Use shared calendars or apps to offload mental tracking. Set up your own reminders for responsibilities rather than relying on a partner.
- Alternate ‘on call’ days: Make each parent available for unexpected situations like child illness or school emergencies.
If you are carrying the higher amount of the mental load:
- Know the mental load is real: Your feelings are valid. You are not failing.
- Ask for help without guilt: Be specific with what you need.
- Share the load: Divide mental chores in your family. Find school mums to carpool with, ask your boss for flexible paid working hours.
- Brain dump: Write down notes to offload what’s taking up space in your brain, especially before bed. Show your notes to your partner.
- Learn to say no: Don’t over-commit yourself to tasks
- Let go of control: Consider if you’re the only one who can do a task, or if someone else can.
- Give age-appropriate tasks to kids: Teach them to action their own needs.
- Outsource needs: If feasible use a cleaner, childcare or meal services.
- Find pockets of joy and mindfulness: Pause to rest and have a cup of tea or step into nature. Practise breathwork and listen to your favourite music or podcasts.
- Seek professional support: If feelings of overwhelm or depression aren’t lessening, consider speaking to a professional.
"Don’t wait to be asked: It’s not a woman’s job to manage and assign tasks."
How to help a postpartum mum with the mental load?
Feelings of stress, anxiety and burnout can be exacerbated in postpartum if a woman is carrying the family’s’ mental load and not being emotionally and physically supported.
Two Sydney mums Louise Barton and Elisha Wildblood saw a gap in postpartum care – with many modern mums left to carry the mental responsibilities alone.
They have created an online directory of providers to support a woman’s mental and physical health in pregnancy and postpartum.
“We need to stop expecting mums to hold it all, we need to encourage an honest reflection on what it takes for a family to thrive, and shift our cultural expectations toward partners and children, so the family load can be a shared one,” Elisha says.
Not Another Onesie helps families connect with services such as:
- Birth and postpartum doulas for support, massage and food
- Nutritionist-approved meal delivery services
- In-person and online lactation specialists
- General Practitioners and midwives
- Specialists such as pelvic floor physiotherapists, naturopaths, chiropractors and health coaches
- House cleaners
More tools to help manage the mental load
- The Fair Play book and cards by Eve Rodsky: A brilliant resource for couples to rebalance their household workload. The book and card game, helps couples divide responsibilities, prioritise, and re-ignite their relationship.
- Shared digital calendar: The Skylight Calendar is a Wi-Fi-connected touchscreen digital display that showcases a family's schedule. It syncs with calendars (Google, Outlook, Apple, Cozi, Yahoo) to display events, chore charts, meal plans, and to-do lists.
- Family management apps: Popular organisational apps used in both business and families, include Cozi, Trello and Asana. These allow parents to share grocery lists, holiday plans and calendar dates.
- Use grocery and meal delivery services: Use large supermarket home-delivery, or services like Hello Fresh, Marley Spoon, The Dinner Ladies, My Muscle Chef and Chefgood.
"Its invisibility is what can make it hard to define, share and grasp..."
The mental load may be invisible, but its effects are not. Its invisibility is what can make it hard to define, share and grasp, but simply using the term ‘mental load’ or ‘invisible load’ helps start the conversation. Kick start engagement from your partner, co-parent or friends and share this article. Let it be a prompt for them to deepen their understanding of all you’ve been carrying, start the conversation and suggest ways they will step in and take on their share of the load. You are allowed to divide tasks more equally, set boundaries, and of course, reach out to professionals if you need support toward positive changes in the partnership.
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