Are you are feeling sad about the gender of your baby? Know you are not alone. Learn how to manage your emotions and find support in pregnancy, after birth and beyond.
Gender disappointment is an experience a lot of parents quietly go through when the sex of their baby is the opposite of what they hoped. It can cause intense feelings of sadness, anger and even grief.
We’ve all seen those viral gender reveals, where mums and dads struggle to hide their disappointment when the confetti or cake icing isn’t what they wanted to see. We all think that moment should be filled with only joy, but for some parents, it can be a letdown because of a deep desire to have a little boy or girl.
When a dreamed-up family life is taken away, it can be devastating for a mum or dad. If that’s what you are feeling, know that you are not alone. It’s okay to grieve the expectations you had, while celebrating the baby growing inside you.
While Australian statistics are limited, research suggests up to one in five mothers experience gender disappointment. That means this feeling is happening in almost every family. If you ask your friends and loved ones, you will likely find someone who has experienced the same emotions.
Gender disappointment is very much a shared experience, we just don’t hear about it often because it’s not the kind of topic you bring up at mother’s group. A parent upset about the sex of the baby usually won’t speak up because they might feel shame, or worry about being judged, especially around families struggling with infertility.
If you are feeling this way, know that it won’t last forever, and there are paths to healing. Read on to find out ways to cope with gender disappointment.
"Gender disappointment is normal and not something to feel guilty about."
What is gender disappointment?
Gender disappointment is the sadness a parent feels when their baby’s sex is the opposite of what they hoped for. The feelings of distress can range from mild to severe, with some parents falling into a grief or depression.
In today’s age of gender reveal parties, and early prenatal scans, gender disappointment can hit early on in a pregnancy, or it can surprise new parents when they meet their baby for the first time.
For some, this is a fleeting feeling, and it can pass within hours or days. But for many parents the disappointment isn’t something they can quickly get over.
Especially parents with a history of loss, or infertility, who feel that they should be grateful for any healthy baby – no matter the sex.
It is such an overwhelming and confusing time, as parents silently balance their deep love for a healthy baby, alongside a sense of loss.
Gender disappointment can bring up any or all of these emotions:
- Sadnes
- Anger
- Frustration
- Shame
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Grief
- Isolation
- Disconnection from pregnancy or baby
Is it normal to feel disappointment about my baby’s gender?
Yes. And it is far more common than you think. Gender disappointment is normal and not something to feel guilty about.
If there is one thing to tell yourself, it’s that this disappointment does not mean you don’t love your baby or won’t be a good mum. It simply reflects the loss of an imagined future. It is not the rejection of a child or a lack of gratitude for a healthy baby.
However, babies do need parents who are physically and emotionally available, so it’s important if you’re struggling with gender disappointment, and feeling like it’s impacting your relationship with your baby, that you find support.
"Some parents believe they may be better at parenting one sex over the other..."
Why do people feel gender disappointment?
Gender disappointment is so personal and differs between every family. Some reasons include:
- Societal and cultural expectations: Parents might have a deep preference for one sex because of cultural or religious assumptions about the roles of boys and girls. A parent could feel pressure to have one sex to fulfil a family legacy.
- Personal dreams: A parent may have grown up always dreaming about their family being made up of a specific mix of genders, or even in an order.
- Desire to experience both: Parents may wish to experience raising both genders and feel disappointed when they only get to have one sex.
- Fear of parenting ability: Some parents believe they may be better at parenting one sex over the other because of the way they grew up.
- Unresolved trauma: Past experiences, like strained relationships with parents, or abuse, can cause a parent to hope for a gender they believe they can best protect. Past fertility struggles can impact a parent’s hopes for the future.
How to cope with gender disappointment
If you are experiencing gender disappointment, the most helpful way forward is to share your sadness with someone you trust. Below are other ways to help.
- Allow yourself to feel the grief: Give yourself space to feel your feelings without judgement. Acknowledge how you’re feeling and know that it is valid.
- Name the feeling: Say aloud what you are experiencing. Journal your feelings to help understand your distress.
- Talk to a safe person: Talk to someone to unpack your disappointment safely, like a partner, family member, friend or professional.
- Understand the reasons for your disappointment: While it might be uncomfortable, try and delve into the reasons for feeling upset. It can help you manage your feelings and accept your reality.
- Take a social media break: Turn off social media and notifications, to grieve the loss of the child you hoped for without triggers from other families.
- Give yourself time to bond with your baby: Be patient with yourself. Try and set time to connect with your baby. In pregnancy, use words, music and massage. Reframe how you picture them, focus on their personality, not what they will look like. Like any relationship, bonds take time to develop.
"Give yourself space to feel your feelings without judgement."
What if the feelings don’t go away?
If you find your gender disappointment is lingering longer than you expect and is starting to affect your bond with your baby, consider speaking with a mental health professional. Especially if your feelings start to turn into depression or anxiety. Perinatal mood disorders affect up to one in five mothers, and support is available.
How to support someone with gender disappointment
If someone you love is experiencing gender disappointment, here are ways to support them.
- Validate their feelings: While you may not understand their preference for a specific sex, it’s important they feel accepted and not criticised. You might say: "It’s okay to feel this way", or "You’re not alone, many people experience this".
- Be empathetic: Acknowledge their feelings of loss with kindness. Don’t offer advice that they should be grateful for what they have.
- Check in regularly: Small gestures like checking in via text and asking what they need may bring some comfort.
- Be patient and allow time: Give them time to adjust to their experience while providing reassurance.
- Encourage talking to a professional. If you feel like their mood is worsening, or are worried about the mother-child attachment, encourage professional support.
There is hope for gender disappointment
If you're experiencing gender disappointment, give yourself time to grieve and heal and seek support when needed, whether that is confiding in a friend or a professional.
Be kind to yourself, know that you can feel better in time, and your love for your child will grow in ways you never imagined, regardless of their gender.
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