Bethany
Birth trauma
Strength is reaching out. Strength is admitting you're not okay. Strength is knowing you don't have to carry it alone.
The days in the lead up to my eventual emergency caesarean section were unexpected, isolating and devastating. I was left grieving an experience I had dreamt of my entire life.
I first realised I wasn’t okay when I was finally able to stand in the shower alone and completely broke down in tears. It hit me that I couldn’t be alone with my thoughts - my mind would not stop replaying the moments leading up to the birth. My heart rate would rise, tears in my eyes, deep feeling in my stomach, tight chest, my neck and airway closing up.
For me, postnatal PTSD was constantly reliving those moments on a loop, crying until I fell asleep, only to be woken by my newborn and forced to relive it all again.
I convinced myself it was my fault, that I had failed myself and my daughter. I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and deep shame. I felt profoundly let down. I convinced myself that something must be fundamentally wrong with me, and that I should feel ashamed for not coping better.
My GP referred me to Gidget Foundation Australia and for the first time it felt like a door had opened and I felt truly safe telling my whole story. With each session, I felt a little stronger and steadier. Bit by bit, I came to understand that this wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t shameful and there was nothing wrong with me. That was motherhood.